my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
