and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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