guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
