i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
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