I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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