I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Randomize
