if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
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