so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
