matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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