No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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