I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Randomize
