good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
