happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Found your dick twin last night
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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