How'd it feel making her break her religion?
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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