I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Randomize
