Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
