Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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