You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
