Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Randomize
