i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
i think my cat just said my name.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
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