Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
