dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
