I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Randomize
