well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Randomize
