I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
