I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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