my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
