I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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