i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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