I will die if light touches me.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
