I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
