Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
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