My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize