i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
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