Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Can I color on your dick again?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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