Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
