Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I deserve this hangover.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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