The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
