I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
