Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
