So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
