Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
