I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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