3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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