you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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