whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
