my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Sorry about my life...
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
