If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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