worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
