Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
