Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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