Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
