3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
