you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
