so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
