I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
