She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Randomize
