You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
