I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
