That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I checked into jail on foursquare
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
