I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
