i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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