if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
