Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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