Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
