I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
