I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
